03.

"She is just as useless as you! I wonder what I did in my past life to deserve something like this. She does not know anything, and her good-for-nothing brain-"

"Stop it! She is my daughter, and I know her better than anyone! She is my precious bundle of joy. Moreover, she has nothing to do with our conversation or our argument, so do not talk about my daughter and my life as if you know anything when you DON'T!"

Amma is shouting at my uncle, her elder brother. Have I done something? Why are they fighting? Am I good for nothing? Why is my uncle looking at me with such hatred? Am I bad?

But I have done nothing to upset him. I am very scared. I try to hide under the table.

"You-," Amma comes between me and my uncle, pulling his raised hands towards her...

I wake up all sweaty and sticky. Always this dream! I'm tired of it, please! I am wet from the sweat, and my eyes are burning. It always makes me wonder what I might have done that my uncle hates me this much, even now after so many years. A 6-year-old could not understand those words then, but a 21-year-old can now. What did he mean by that?

I get up and go to the washroom. I see myself with swollen, red eyes and messy hair in the mirror. God! Even after so many years, this feeling of fear does not leave me. And I wake up every time before my uncle says, "No, no, don't think about it." I wash my face and go to the kitchen to drink water, and then I go to bed.

I check the time, and damn, it's 4 in the morning, and I must get up at 7, which is 3 hours from now.

In the morning:

I wake to the strong light hitting my face. I try to open my eyes and instantly regret it. Did I forget to close the curtains?! I again try opening my eyes slowly, adjusting to the light intensity. I find my window to be open, maybe Amma opened it sometime before. Gentle, cool breeze hits my face as if caressing its lover.  Poetic much early morning...? Like giving me the much-needed attention and love before going to face the whole day of the survival show.

Mocking myself- my greatest strength!

I freshen up and go straight to the kitchen. "Amma, I'm hungry." Please prepare food- is silent. I focus on my mother and instantly regret opening my mouth. "Is the queen awake now?" Oh! And for today, it is rice balls and chutney. I hope you enjoy your highness," she said with a sickeningly sweet voice, and here goes my day.

God bless my ears today to pass on to another day in this home.

I silently walk towards the plate rack, take out the plate, help myself to food, and walk out of the kitchen into the living room.

"-He had to work in sugarcane fields. If not, I was not provided with food, and my eldest dear son had to keep waiting for his mother. No one came near him to clean or feed him; Surya was just an 8-month-old baby. And this woman thinks her life is hell. What does she know?" she asked, and I zoned out. It was my dodda with all that mumbling going on. I know they had a ‘talk.’ I mean, what do you want me to call this? I just hope that they don't notice me today, or I will become invisible. Walk on shells in your own home, with your people.

God, why me?

Do not think that I am siding with my family, but the point seems to be clear, at least for me. Everyone goes through a tough phase of life at some point. Some are vocal, and some choose not to say it out loud, not because they are ashamed of it but because they prefer it that way.

Now my family is very vocal.

They are very straightforward with what they say and to whom they say it. When it comes to their struggles, they are very proud to share them with their peers. All of us are relentless in this, and rightfully so. After being betrayed by their trusted family members and listening to their hateful comments.

So their mumbling their struggles in life is not irritating, but then constantly chanting the same is sure as hell irritating.